Critiquing My Mommy

Jana Segal

After getting a crash course in critiquing from Brandeis, I watched a news program about a tugboat being sunk to create an artificial reef because the boaters destroyed the reefs where the sea creatures lived. I thought it would make a great picture book, so I shared it with my mom. This is when I started critiquing my mom's children's picture book manuscripts. It was a bit of a stretch since I hadn't read any kids books since I was little. Not really my thing. A little too cutesy for my taste. I was more into reading plays and screenplays. Tennessee Williams. Grad school made me into a hardened critquer, but my sweet mommie learned to take it – and like it. The other day I was critiquing a fellow filmmaker's script before I could get to hers and she was actually jealous.

I used to type up a few pages of  notes, but I found it easier to jot down the notes right onto the manuscript. I'd send the whole manuscript back in the mail.  Sometimes I gave her feedback when I came home for Christmas. After catching up on family gossip, we would sit on the couch, my mom sipping from a jar of green tea, and go through my notes. When the price of long distance came down, I read my comments over the phone as she followed along in the manuscript. But this can be a long, tedious process – especially if she starts defending her writing. Argh! I forgot about that.

At first I had a problem with the cutesy word play in her children's stories. I wrote all over her manuscript, “Too cutesy!” She liked to make up descriptive words like pew-mongous (big stink) and puffle snuffle (the sound of the tired tug.) I didn't know how much cutesy was acceptable for children's books. This was a little point of contention. Mom insisted that it was her style. But it drove me crazy! Mom had created a captain character who pulled on his nose when he was worried. There were two phrases in particular that bothered me, “Old Snozzy yanked on his nose like it was a clump of seaweed;” and, “Still he jerked on his nose like a piece of beef jerky.” (Now, really, how often do you yank on seaweed or jerk on beef jerky?) 

Not knowing much about children's writing, I often referred to dramatic concepts I learned in the theater. I encouraged her to strengthen the character's goal and motivation, add more action and conflict then build to a climax . My mom created her own unique style using her descriptive gifts to great effect in exciting action sequences. Her colorful, bouncy descriptions also added to the fun of the underwater see world. While working on the rhythm of some phrases, I started playing around with cutesy wording myself. It's fun! Recently, I read a rewrite and actually missed some of the “cutesy” words she had cut out!

When she finished her tugboat series, mom started on a new kind of book inspired by her family history called, Model T Biscuits. I was so excited about her story that I asked her if I could work on the screenplay adaptation. After critiquing rewrite after rewrite, I knew the story so well that it only took two weeks to write the 35 page script. That felt great! (Especially since it took me YEARS to write, Walking with Grace!)

When adapting the book for the screen, I tried to find ways to show the internal dialogue through actions and dialogue. (For you new screenwriters – nothing goes in the screenplay that we can't see or hear. The one exception is the one sentence description when you first introduce a character.) The book version includes little Lorna's jealous thoughts about the little rich girl in a white dress that her mom took care of in the city. I added a scene where Lorna sees a similar white dress in a store window and changes into it so her mother will love her too. I also worked on centering the story around the conflict of their financial difficulties during their cross-county trek. If they didn't have enough money, they wouldn't be able to get their little farm.

I was honored to do the adaptation so I could stay true to my mom's vision.